What is your thing?

Day 2 - Well, what is my thing?  If we are considering interests, that is easy.  I've always had a fascination with anything Italian - food, fashion, language, history, geography.  I love classic musical movies and Holywood glam - vintage glamour, ball gowns.  I've always been a bit old-fashioned like that.  I love books and reading; I was a bookworm growing up, I think partly because I was very shy and it is very much an individual past time.  I would read all my library books in a weekend in my bedroom and then have to spend the next week either rereading them or waiting until Saturday to go and get more.  I've said before I have always wanted to be a writer - I think this came from a childhood obsession with Enid Blyton and Agatha Christie.  Academically, I enjoy history and literature.

What is my stillness or joy?  I don't know.  I feel like my depression has taken a lot of my stillness and joy from me.  I find it difficult to motivate myself to take interest in things; when I do it is usually for a short, but intense, period of time.  I could say my stillness is sleep, or rest.  A day in bed is a joy for me, snoozing and reading and thinking and dreaming.  I chastise myself for being lazy but I suppose this is a kind of therapy for me.  When I am well rested and away from the demands of everyday life then I am a much happier person.  I think this is why holidaying is so attractive to me!

So, how do I resist being true to myself?  I don't know what my true self is anymore.  I know that people easily identify my interests and likes, so I must wear them very visibly.  I don't know if I don't accept my true self, maybe?  I find that not working is giving me time to just be, and I think that after 24 years of working and studying that maybe I am now being true to myself by undertaking this journey to rid myself of negativity and develop a feeling of contentment and acceptance with my life.