Day 1 - Unwinding
Day 1 is about space, positivity and goodness. It is about unwinding and letting go of the coiled spring inside. It is the first step in unwinding slowly and steadily. I haven't worked for 2.5 months. Already I feel a change in myself. The need to perform and impress and do has gone. I don't feel as stressed, and this relief has come from not having the pressures posed on me by my career. There were two sources of pressure: the first, the every day job; the need to do that well, to the best of my ability at all times and to not fail; the second, the desire for career progression, to do better and better and to achieve promotion for my dedication and skills. The second has been difficult to achieve and this has left me weary and feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. There is little I can control here as the jobs aren't available, so it is something to let go. What I want to work on is trying to figure out what I really want to do. Perhaps it is time to look at another direction for my life.
Exercises.
Being coiled into a tight ball feels like my chest is going to burst. My muscles tense and even after what should be a good nights sleep, I waken feeling tired, my body hurts and my head is muggy. I feel constrained and as though I am inside a plastic ball trying to fight my way out.
It is easy for me to experience spacious goodness for me this statement is not true. I find it difficult to relax and be at one with myself and my environment. Although I am sensitive to environmental changes, I am coiled in a tight ball permanently. Even with the opportunity for relaxation, I still have feelings of expectation and guilt at not doing, not achieving, not earning. I don't even relax when I have a massage! Spacious goodness, awareness and possibility will come.
Who I think I am is maybe not who I am. I know that I am kind and caring. I work hard and have pride in what I do. I am empathetic and sympathetic, and I try to please others, to the point of putting their needs and feelings first. I make the effort in a lot of my friendships. I do the running and the chasing - are these real friendships or just motions that I have fallen into with people and I am afraid to extrapolate myself from? I think I am (or is it that I want to be) artistic, productive, creative; what if I am not? I always wanted to be a writer. I wrote a lot as a child, but in adolescence and adulthood life got in the way, and this is something that was let go. I think I still want to write, or, is this something I have held on to from my childhood but is not truly me as an adult? Who am I when I eliminate daughter, sister, auntie, friend, mother, wife, nurse, godmother? Who am I when I don't define myself by relationships? Am I still the bookworm, linguist, writer, daydreamer that I was? How much of 'me' has changed with time and life and responsibilities?
Tomorrow's question is 'What is your thing?'. I'm going to read the exercise in the morning and use the day to focus on an answer.
Exercises.
Being coiled into a tight ball feels like my chest is going to burst. My muscles tense and even after what should be a good nights sleep, I waken feeling tired, my body hurts and my head is muggy. I feel constrained and as though I am inside a plastic ball trying to fight my way out.
It is easy for me to experience spacious goodness for me this statement is not true. I find it difficult to relax and be at one with myself and my environment. Although I am sensitive to environmental changes, I am coiled in a tight ball permanently. Even with the opportunity for relaxation, I still have feelings of expectation and guilt at not doing, not achieving, not earning. I don't even relax when I have a massage! Spacious goodness, awareness and possibility will come.
Who I think I am is maybe not who I am. I know that I am kind and caring. I work hard and have pride in what I do. I am empathetic and sympathetic, and I try to please others, to the point of putting their needs and feelings first. I make the effort in a lot of my friendships. I do the running and the chasing - are these real friendships or just motions that I have fallen into with people and I am afraid to extrapolate myself from? I think I am (or is it that I want to be) artistic, productive, creative; what if I am not? I always wanted to be a writer. I wrote a lot as a child, but in adolescence and adulthood life got in the way, and this is something that was let go. I think I still want to write, or, is this something I have held on to from my childhood but is not truly me as an adult? Who am I when I eliminate daughter, sister, auntie, friend, mother, wife, nurse, godmother? Who am I when I don't define myself by relationships? Am I still the bookworm, linguist, writer, daydreamer that I was? How much of 'me' has changed with time and life and responsibilities?
Tomorrow's question is 'What is your thing?'. I'm going to read the exercise in the morning and use the day to focus on an answer.
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